Q. What advice would you give a family as they welcome their child into their home?
A. Regardless of your child’s age or her previous circumstances, i.e. foster home, group home, or orphanage, my advice is going to be essentially the same. I am going to advise you to treat your precious child as though she is your biological child which you just brought home from the hospital. For those little ones and for the older children alike, it is of paramount importance that they hear how precious they are right from the mouths of excited, new parents. They need to see delight in their parents eyes as they gaze lovingly at their faces. They need for you, their parents to meet all of heir needs. They need for you to say “yes” to them a million times.
By doing these simple things, you will be wiring, or rewiring your child’s brain for relationship with you, which will form the basis for all subsequent attachments. Just by gazing in your child’s eyes you are activating mirror neurons in your child’s brain and causing the release of neurotransmitter a that are important in bonding such as oxytocin. Dr. Dan Siegel states that in this way, adoptive parents become biological parents.
A second tidbit of advice I’d give expectant parents is to play with their child. As Dr. Stuart Brown explains in this TED Talk, play is so much more than just idleness as some presume. http://youtu.be/HHwXlcHcTHc
One final suggestion I would offer this family is to make arrangements for your child to sleep in your room. At the very least, have a bed roll available and let her know that she is welcome to sleep in your room if she is scared. Nighttime can be a scary time for kids from hard places. It can also be an opportunity to meet our child’s needs.
Whether you child is an infant or a teenager, whether he’s foster or adopted, whether she’s been home a day or a decade, you have the ability and the opportunity to impact the life of a child, of your child forever. Congratulations, Mom and Dad!